Go on, I'll wait. Go watch a handful of sitcoms with the laugh tracks digitally removed. Then come back and try telling me that wasn't the most awkward experience of your life.
I'll be right here waiting.
You finished? Great, now do you finally agree with me? Holy shit, it was perhaps the weirdest and most uncomfortable experience of my entire life! The Big Bang Theory quickly becomes Unfunny Nerds and a Hot Chick in a matter of seconds. F.R.I.E.N.D.S soon stands for Fucking Ridiculous Irritatingly Endless Nonsense that just Damn Sucks.
I mean, really, these motherfuckers take a long pause for laughter after literally every fucking line. How fucking unrealistic and idiotic?!
This is why shows like Arrested Development and Workaholics will always surpass these 'shitcoms'. Why? Because they have comedic timing with interesting and above-all: realistic dialogue.
I mean, trust me, I love sitcoms! Some of my all-time favourite shows are sitcoms; Married...with Children, for instance is in my top ten favourite television programmes ever made. But the difference between these modern shitcoms and classic sitcoms is that the laughter you hear is genuine! Also, the actors don't take pauses so the audience can laugh, they have to stop reciting their lines because the audience won't stop laughing.
So, this is why I grow tired of these shows and why I feel that you should either get rid of the studio audience completely, or let them laugh genuinely, goddammit!
Showing posts with label shows. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shows. Show all posts
Monday, June 17, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Goddammit, 'The Secret Life of an American Teenager' Sucks.
Sweet fucking chocolate Christ, this show sucks the big one! My sister has three seasons on DVD and she insisted I watch them because, quote: "This show is amazing!"
Well, that's the biggest piece of horseshit I've heard since The Warren Report. This show is a pretentious, horrifically bad acted, even worse written, Christian-drenched piece of television I've ever had the misfortune of watching. Keep in mind, I'm only on episode two!
Now, this may not surprise you, but the chick who created this ungodly goddamn shitcake also created Seventh Heaven, another piss-poor television show that people seem to fall head-over-heels in love with.
The only thing is, at least Seventh Heaven has an excuse; it was a family programme. This, however, is directed at the 13 to 17 female demographic. Besides shoving abstinence and Jesus down our throats every couple of minutes. It also gives us an unbelievable (In the bad way.) and all-around underwhelming show.
How in the fuck has this thing lasted this long?! From what I can tell thus far: Amy is a cunt, her friends are annoying "girlfriends" (Who, just had to be minorities) Ben is a borderline stalker, Grace is a sexually repressed Jesus-freak whore, Adrian is just a whore, and Ricky is a 'sensitive' bad boy.
Fuck this show.
P.S: The theme song blows too.
P.S.S: Holy shit! Claire Standish (Molly Ringwald for all you youngsters) sung it?!
P.S.S.S: Bender was right, Claire did get fat.
Well, that's the biggest piece of horseshit I've heard since The Warren Report. This show is a pretentious, horrifically bad acted, even worse written, Christian-drenched piece of television I've ever had the misfortune of watching. Keep in mind, I'm only on episode two!
Now, this may not surprise you, but the chick who created this ungodly goddamn shitcake also created Seventh Heaven, another piss-poor television show that people seem to fall head-over-heels in love with.
The only thing is, at least Seventh Heaven has an excuse; it was a family programme. This, however, is directed at the 13 to 17 female demographic. Besides shoving abstinence and Jesus down our throats every couple of minutes. It also gives us an unbelievable (In the bad way.) and all-around underwhelming show.
How in the fuck has this thing lasted this long?! From what I can tell thus far: Amy is a cunt, her friends are annoying "girlfriends" (Who, just had to be minorities) Ben is a borderline stalker, Grace is a sexually repressed Jesus-freak whore, Adrian is just a whore, and Ricky is a 'sensitive' bad boy.
Fuck this show.
P.S: The theme song blows too.
P.S.S: Holy shit! Claire Standish (Molly Ringwald for all you youngsters) sung it?!
P.S.S.S: Bender was right, Claire did get fat.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
I Don't Give a Shit, I Love 'Dawson's Creek'
Okay, okay. I realise that soon I will be getting comments and messages informing of how much of a pussy I am and how gay the programme is; but hear me out:
My career and first-love is, of course, writing. However, my second biggest passion is filmmaking. It's what I wanted to be if my writing career didn't work out. In fact, I have on my computer at present; upwards of 15 to 20 screenplays and pilot episodes. Eventually, I want to get one made.
One screenplay I'm working on is an homage to Pulp Fiction, and it's actually not half-bad. Mostly, I write pilot scripts though. And in that group, they're mostly dramas. As a matter of fact, one of my pilot scripts is available for reading online here.
I bring up my love and passion for films because Dawson Leery, the shows protagonist and eponymous main character, also has that. Albeit, his love is for the mainstream films and his hero is Steven Spielberg. (I'm more interested in the independent film market and my filmmaking heroes are Kevin Smith, John Hughes and Quentin Tarantino.) Which is why I can relate to him.
I can also relate to Pacey, Dawson's wise-cracking, lady-loving (though, for the most part; the ladies don't love him...except Miss Jacob...and Joey...and Andie...and Audrey...never mind...) best friend who, as aforementioned has quite a few relationships with some serious-ass consequences. Granted, I've never fucked a teacher of mine; but it's on my bucket-list.
And in a very no-homo way; I can relate to Jack. Because, disregarding his discovered homosexuality (Is that why he dated Joey? Because she has a guy's name?), I can relate to his introversion and difficulty making himself known to the world and being comfortable. (Again, in a totally heterosexual way.)
That's why I enjoy the show, not to mention it's where I get my extensive vocabulary and quite a few catchphrases from. I also just enjoy the series as a whole; because disregarding the final two seasons, it was a pretty great drama. It was new and original for the time, and inspired those who came after it.
Perhaps it was a tad girly for a show focusing on a guy (Granted, his name was quite feminine, while his love interest's name was quite masculine, ironically.) and maybe it shouldn't have shifted from 'Dawson's Creek' to 'Joey's Bar', but I digress. It was great for four seasons, at least. And that's more that I can say for most shows.
My career and first-love is, of course, writing. However, my second biggest passion is filmmaking. It's what I wanted to be if my writing career didn't work out. In fact, I have on my computer at present; upwards of 15 to 20 screenplays and pilot episodes. Eventually, I want to get one made.
One screenplay I'm working on is an homage to Pulp Fiction, and it's actually not half-bad. Mostly, I write pilot scripts though. And in that group, they're mostly dramas. As a matter of fact, one of my pilot scripts is available for reading online here.
I bring up my love and passion for films because Dawson Leery, the shows protagonist and eponymous main character, also has that. Albeit, his love is for the mainstream films and his hero is Steven Spielberg. (I'm more interested in the independent film market and my filmmaking heroes are Kevin Smith, John Hughes and Quentin Tarantino.) Which is why I can relate to him.
I can also relate to Pacey, Dawson's wise-cracking, lady-loving (though, for the most part; the ladies don't love him...except Miss Jacob...and Joey...and Andie...and Audrey...never mind...) best friend who, as aforementioned has quite a few relationships with some serious-ass consequences. Granted, I've never fucked a teacher of mine; but it's on my bucket-list.
And in a very no-homo way; I can relate to Jack. Because, disregarding his discovered homosexuality (Is that why he dated Joey? Because she has a guy's name?), I can relate to his introversion and difficulty making himself known to the world and being comfortable. (Again, in a totally heterosexual way.)
That's why I enjoy the show, not to mention it's where I get my extensive vocabulary and quite a few catchphrases from. I also just enjoy the series as a whole; because disregarding the final two seasons, it was a pretty great drama. It was new and original for the time, and inspired those who came after it.
Perhaps it was a tad girly for a show focusing on a guy (Granted, his name was quite feminine, while his love interest's name was quite masculine, ironically.) and maybe it shouldn't have shifted from 'Dawson's Creek' to 'Joey's Bar', but I digress. It was great for four seasons, at least. And that's more that I can say for most shows.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Walter White is a Sociopath (And Here's Why)
Okay, we all love Breaking Bad, and if you do not...well...go fuck yourself.
Anyway, as the final half of the final season will air in August; I feel it best to look back on the series as a whole, and think about our beloved anti-hero, Walter "Heisenberg" White. Listen, I love him as much as the rest of the fans do, but it doesn't excuse what a cold-hearted bastard he is. Not to mention that Jesse is the true hero of the show; not Walt. After rewatching seasons 1 through 5A; I finally came to the conclusion that Walt is nothing more than your average sociopath. How so, you may ask? Well, allow me to elaborate:
1. Lack of Empathy
Think about it; whenever Jesse has a problem, Walt pretends to care about him in order to make him think he's a good friend, only if it's in his best interest. Walter is responsible for everything wrong in Jesse's. For starters, had Walt never flunked Jesse and tried to help him learn instead of making him feel stupid, he wouldn't have went into making meth. Next, he pretty much forces Jesse to cook with him, threatening him with the possibility of turning him into the police if he doesn't do as he wishes. Then, he makes him go and sling crystals while he's safe-and-sound in the RV. Then, he let's Jane die, making Jesse feel to blame. Then he makes Jesse kill Gale to save himself. Not to even go into how he almost killed Brock to get Jesse back on his side; almost getting him arrested for knowing about ricin. Jesus H. Christ! You are such an unempathic asshole, Walt.
2. Superficial Charm
"I am the one who knocks." Walter tells Skyler in season 4. He is so full of himself as being the forerunner of an empire, and being 'the greatest cook in the country' boasting about his 99.1% pure meth. He acts like he is the shit; and no one else can touch him. "I won." He ends his conversation with Skyler in the final episode of season 4. Yes, you did, you smug son-of-a-bitch; but at what cost?
3. Lack of Remorse, or Guilt
How many goddamn people has Walter even killed? Well, there's Emilio and Krazy-8 in season 1, ran over a drug dealer, then shot his friend in the head and let Jane die, and then instigated Jane's father into colliding the two planes killing 167 in season 2, forced Jesse to kill Gale, supplied the bomb that Hector used to kill Gus and his henchman, Tyrus as well as two of Gus' other henchman in season 4, then he shot Mike and mortally wounded him and instigated ten of Gus' ex-employees. Does he give two shits? Nope.
4. Criminal Diversity
Well, let's see:
5. Pathological Lying
Again, no comment.
Well, I dare say; Walter, you don't become a sociopath, you're born one. Walter was always an evil, evil bastard. He just realised he could be it after his diagnosis.
Anyway, as the final half of the final season will air in August; I feel it best to look back on the series as a whole, and think about our beloved anti-hero, Walter "Heisenberg" White. Listen, I love him as much as the rest of the fans do, but it doesn't excuse what a cold-hearted bastard he is. Not to mention that Jesse is the true hero of the show; not Walt. After rewatching seasons 1 through 5A; I finally came to the conclusion that Walt is nothing more than your average sociopath. How so, you may ask? Well, allow me to elaborate:
1. Lack of Empathy
Think about it; whenever Jesse has a problem, Walt pretends to care about him in order to make him think he's a good friend, only if it's in his best interest. Walter is responsible for everything wrong in Jesse's. For starters, had Walt never flunked Jesse and tried to help him learn instead of making him feel stupid, he wouldn't have went into making meth. Next, he pretty much forces Jesse to cook with him, threatening him with the possibility of turning him into the police if he doesn't do as he wishes. Then, he makes him go and sling crystals while he's safe-and-sound in the RV. Then, he let's Jane die, making Jesse feel to blame. Then he makes Jesse kill Gale to save himself. Not to even go into how he almost killed Brock to get Jesse back on his side; almost getting him arrested for knowing about ricin. Jesus H. Christ! You are such an unempathic asshole, Walt.
2. Superficial Charm
"I am the one who knocks." Walter tells Skyler in season 4. He is so full of himself as being the forerunner of an empire, and being 'the greatest cook in the country' boasting about his 99.1% pure meth. He acts like he is the shit; and no one else can touch him. "I won." He ends his conversation with Skyler in the final episode of season 4. Yes, you did, you smug son-of-a-bitch; but at what cost?
3. Lack of Remorse, or Guilt
How many goddamn people has Walter even killed? Well, there's Emilio and Krazy-8 in season 1, ran over a drug dealer, then shot his friend in the head and let Jane die, and then instigated Jane's father into colliding the two planes killing 167 in season 2, forced Jesse to kill Gale, supplied the bomb that Hector used to kill Gus and his henchman, Tyrus as well as two of Gus' other henchman in season 4, then he shot Mike and mortally wounded him and instigated ten of Gus' ex-employees. Does he give two shits? Nope.
4. Criminal Diversity
Well, let's see:
- Stealing lab equipment from his own class
- Making meth.
- Stealing a barrel of methylamine.
- Killing seven people first-hand
- Killing one-hundred-eighty-two people second-hand.
- Lying religiously to everyone.
5. Pathological Lying
Again, no comment.
Well, I dare say; Walter, you don't become a sociopath, you're born one. Walter was always an evil, evil bastard. He just realised he could be it after his diagnosis.
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Greetings from The Cynical Asshole.
Hey there, world; I'm The Cynical Asshole himself, Josh Surratt. Consider this a prologue to all the offensive, vile and down-right sickening posts you will be reading from me. Allow me to go over some basic information:
1. I have a website, it's much better than this; go check it out sometime: "http://thecynicalasshole.webs.com/"
2. I'm a freelance columnist. So please, for the love of Lennon; find me some goddamn work!
3. I'm a Left-Libertarian. So, expect me to be very socially liberal and fiscally conservative.
4. I don't believe in your faggy-ass God; so try to keep your respective panties out of a bunch.
5. I love The Beatles with a passion; expect those bastards to pop up a lot.
6. Rescue Me and Breaking Bad are the greatest shows to ever exist...ever...
7. The Breakfast Club is my favourite film of all-time.
8. Find me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/JoshBlakeSurratt
9. I'm obsessed with the number nine.
10. Find me on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/DXFan1269
11. Find me on Tumblr (Yep, I'm hip.): http://joshsurrattlennon.tumblr.com/
12. I love cats; fuck dogs.
13. I wrote a book, please buy it: goo.gl/qMBmY
Anything else; just ask. So, that's my list of things you should know about me. I hope I make you laugh and piss you off a bit. See you later, assholes.
1. I have a website, it's much better than this; go check it out sometime: "http://thecynicalasshole.webs.com/"
2. I'm a freelance columnist. So please, for the love of Lennon; find me some goddamn work!
3. I'm a Left-Libertarian. So, expect me to be very socially liberal and fiscally conservative.
4. I don't believe in your faggy-ass God; so try to keep your respective panties out of a bunch.
5. I love The Beatles with a passion; expect those bastards to pop up a lot.
6. Rescue Me and Breaking Bad are the greatest shows to ever exist...ever...
7. The Breakfast Club is my favourite film of all-time.
8. Find me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/JoshBlakeSurratt
9. I'm obsessed with the number nine.
10. Find me on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/DXFan1269
11. Find me on Tumblr (Yep, I'm hip.): http://joshsurrattlennon.tumblr.com/
12. I love cats; fuck dogs.
13. I wrote a book, please buy it: goo.gl/qMBmY
Anything else; just ask. So, that's my list of things you should know about me. I hope I make you laugh and piss you off a bit. See you later, assholes.
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