Saturday, June 22, 2013

Explaining the Plot of 'Back to the Future' was More Difficult Than I Thought!

Back to the Future, you ask? Yes, the classic 1985 film about Marty McFly, a popular teenager with a beautiful girlfriend and a bright future. Marty has a couple of problems, though. First off his father is a weak-willed dweep, his mother's a drunk and he's lower-middle class. These are typical problems that typical teenagers across the world face. Well, his troubles don't stop there.

Enter Doctor Emmett Brown, or Doc for short. He's a wacky, seemingly-ludicrous man who thinks he's managed to time travel using a DeLorean. Pretty crazy, right? Except he can. Doc Brown actually perfected time-travel with plutonium, a flux-capacitor and 1.21 jigawatts at the perfect speed of 88 MPH! Well, the first major conflict is introduced when the Libyans that Doc ripped off the plutonium from have come back literally moments after demonstrating how time-travel is possible. What do these nice, peaceful Libyans do to Doc? They waste the motherfucker.

Holy fuck! I thought this movie was PG! I just watched two stereotypes shoot the fuck out of an ageing doctor! So, that's the first major conflict. The second major conflict is about to come into play:

When Marty tries to get away from the Libyans, he hops in the DeLorean and floors the bitch! And he just-so-happened to forget that 88 MPH will sling-shot his ass back/forward in time. Well, he is just driving when he hit the dreaded 88! Shit, he's back in time now! He has to go back to the future! Pardon the pun.

Second major conflict; he's stuck in 1955. Well, shit! This is enough to base a movie on! A boy gets sent back in time and has to go back and save his friend from being shot! Good enough for me! But, wait...

HE'S OUT OF PLUTONIUM. And this is 1955, so it's even more scarce than in the future! Fuck! Three major problems and we're not even an hour in! This is still more-than-enough to make a film around...But wait, there's more!

Enter the fourth major problem; he prevents his parents from meeting, thus preventing them from getting married, having sex, and having him. Shit! It really isn't your day, is it Marty? You basically just erased yourself from history in under an hour of film! So, that's all the conflict right?

Wrong! In preventing his parents meeting, marrying and fucking; he also manages to make his own mother sexually attracted to him. Goddammit, Doc Brown! All he wanted to do was have naughty, teenage sex with Jennifer by the lake! You fucked him over! Five major problems (thus far)!

So after two hours of trying to get his parents to like one another, inadvertently creating rock n' roll, saving him and his siblings from non-existence, inventing the skateboard, making Biff his bitch we have one final major problem...

The lightning! The car! He's late! No, he's on time! Doc fucked up! No, Doc saved the day! Wait, what?! In a almost Bad Luck Brian-esque series of events, he finally manages to make it back to 1985...just to see Doc killed still and seeing himself going to the past again. Well, to be fair; Doc wore a bullet-proof vest because Marty wrote him a not warning him of the event...but what about the other Marty? What in the flying fuck happened to him? He had to do all this shit again? Just to watch it again? And again? And again? You fucked up big time, Doc. Big time.

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