I Suffer From 'Public Piss Syndrome' (And Why it Fucking Sucks)

I have PPS. Now, before you all jump on Google and look up: "What the hell is PPS?"; allow me to elaborate on this disease I just made up.


Public Piss Syndrome (PPS) is a common ailment that affects both men and women all across the globe. PPS is known for making it immensely difficult for pissing in a public setting; especially for men, considering we have those oh-so open devices called: "Urinals". It affects approximately 5.6 billion people on earth, and that statistic is complete-and-utter horseshit.

I developed PPS about two years ago after watching a goddamned film named: Waiting..., and in the film there is a character named Calvin. Calvin is a shy, pussy-whipped and a fellow PPS comrade. His shortcomings in the pisser are elaborated on mid-way through the film, when he tells the dishwasher Bishop about how he developed PPS. He goes into a long, detailed story about how once when the restaurant was closing, he was pissing at a urinal, and some sick-fuck Carrot Top impersonator walks past a million empty urinals and uses the one next to him...

...And then stares at his cock.

And after seeing this film; I quickly developed PPS and now whenever anyone is in the restroom with me; I freeze up and cannot drain my metaphorical lizard.

For fuck's sake! Help me find a cure for this horrid disease!